Annoying Song
(to the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic")
Thanks very much to Nora McColl, who e-mailed me this song!
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves
And this is how it goes...
Repeat, ad nauseum!

Backwards Song
Well I walked up the door and I opened the stairs
Said my pajamas and I put on my prayers.
Turned off the bed and jumped into the light
All because he kissed me good night!
Well, I woke up next morning and I scrambled my shoes
Shined up an egg and I toasted the news
Buttered my tie and took another bite
All because he kissed me never could resist me
All because he kissed me Good night!

Backyard Treasures
(to the tune of "Clementine")
In the backyard, there are treasures,
There are treasures all around,
If I look hard in my back yard,
All the treasures can be found.

Found some pine cones and an ant hill,
And a toad all squashed and dead.
I can hide them in my pocket,
And I'll keep them 'neath my bed.

Momma found them in my pocket,
So she yelled and screamed and cried.
"You can keep those rotten pine cones,
But can't keep the toad that died."

So I took them to the backyard,
To her flower bed to rest.
I'm so glad she didn't find that
Beetle hidden in her desk!

Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends
(tune: Sousa march)
Be kind to your web-footed friends,
For a duck may be somebody's mother,
They live in a swamp all alone,
Where the weather is always damp.
You may think that this is the end,
It is, but to prove I'm a liar,
We're going to sing it again,
Only this time a little bit high-er
(Repeat)

Boa Constrictor
I'm being eaten my a boa constrictor,
A boa constrictor, a boa constrictor
I'm being eaten by a boa constrictor
And I don't like it one bit
Oh no there goes my toe
Oh gee he's got my knee
Oh my there goes my thigh
Oh hum there goes my bum
Oh darn there goes my arm
Oh heck he's got my neck
Oh gee he's eaten me.
(repeat)


Boom Boom Ain't it Great to be Crazy
Chorus:
Boom Boom, ain't it great to be Crazy?
Boom Boom, ain't it great to be Crazy?
Giddy and Foolish all day long
Boom Boom, ain't it great to be Crazy!
Way down south where bananas grow
A flea stepped on a elephant's toe
The elephant cried with tears in his eyes
"Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"

Way up north were there's ice and snow
There was a penguin and his name was Joe
He got tired of black and white
So he wore pink slacks to the dance last night!

A horse and a flea and three blind mice
Sat on the curbstone shooting dice
The horse, he slipped and fell on the flea
Whoops! said the flea, there's a horse on me!

I bought a suit of combination underwear
Guaranteed not to rip or tear
I wore them six months and to my consternation
I couldn't get the darned thing off, I'd lost the combination!

I love myself. I think I'm grand.
When I go to movies, I hold my hand.
I put my arm around my waist,
And when I get fresh, I slap my face.

I call myself on the telephone
Just to hear my musical tone.
I ask myself for a heavy date,
And I pick myself up at half past eight.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,
And Fuzzy Wuzzy cut his hair.
So, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy.
No, by Jove, he wasn't, was he?

I take a swim in my swimming pool.
I jump from the board 'cause that's the rule.
I hit my head on cement and mortar.
Forgot to look - there was no water.

That one-eared cat who used to sit
Watching Grandma rock and knit
Swallowed a ball of bright red yarn,
And out came kittens with red sweaters on.
Here's a second version of the song.
Chorus:
I'm going crazy
Don't you want to come along
I'm going crazy
Just singin' this song
Once I had a little cat
And all she ate was yarn
And when those kittens came
They came whith sweaters on!

Once I had a little dog
And all she ate was cans
And when those puppies came
They came in Ford sedans!

When Mary had a little lamb
The doctor was surprised
When Old MacDonald had a farm
The doctor nearly died!

Camp Granada
Hello Mudda, hello Fadda,
Here I am at Camp Granada.
Camp is very entertaining,
And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.

I went hiking with Joe Spivy;
He developed poison ivy.
You remember Leonard Skinner;
He got potmain poisoning last night after dinner.

All the counselors hate the waiters,
And the lake has alligators,
And the head coach wants no sissies,
So he reads to us from something called "Ulysses".

Now I don't want this should scare ya,
But my bunk mate has malaria.
You remember Jeffrey Hardy,
They're about to organize a searching party.

Take me home, oh Mudda, Fadda,
Take me home, I hate Granada!
Don't leave me in the forest where
I might get eaten by a bear.

Take me home, I promise I will not make noise,
Or mess the house with other boys.
Oh, please don't make me stay,
I've been here one whole day.

Dearest Father, darling Mother,
How's my precious little brother?
Let me come home if you miss me,
I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me.

Wait a minute, it stopped hailing,
Guys are swimming, gals are sailing.
Playing baseball, gee that's betta,
Mudda, Fadda, kindly disregard this letter!

Hot Time In the Old Town Tonight
Late last night when we were all in bed,
Old Lady Leary left a lantern in the shed.
Well, the cow kicked it over, and this is what they said:
"There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight!"
FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!
When you hear those bells go ding-a-ling,
All join 'round and sweetly you must sing.
And when the verse is through, in the chorus all join in:
"There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight!"
Silly variant:
Ten nights dark when bed we all were in,
Old Leary lady hung the shed her lantern in,
And when the kick cowed it over, she eyed her wink and said
"There'll be town hot in the time old tonight!"

Little Black Things
(to the tune of "Clementine")
Chorus:
Little black things, little black things,
Crawling up and down my arms.
If I wait 'til they have babies,
I could start a black thing farm.
Haven't taken a bath in two weeks,
And I never change my clothes.
I have got these little black things,
Where they come from heaven knows.

Once a cute boy (or girl) tried to kiss me,
But (s)he jumped and gave a yell,
And I never got to ask him (her),
Was it the black things or the smell.

Little Red Caboose
Little red caboose, chug chug chug.
Little red caboose, chug chug chug.
Little red caboose behind the train, train, train, train.
Smokestack on his back back back back.
Coming around the track track track track.
Little red caboose behind the train, TOOT, TOOT!

Middies Bloomers
Middies, bloomers, Middies, bloomers all day long.
She wears them in the morning, she wears them at noon,
She only takes them off by the light of the moon,
Woooo! Middies, bloomers, Middies, bloomers all day long.

other verses:
Straw hats, knee socks, straw hats knee socks all day long . . .
Girdle, sneakers, girdle, sneakers all day long . . .
Pink Pajamas
(to the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic")

I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot
I wear my flannel nightie in the winter when it's not
And sometimes in the springtime and sometimes in the fall
I jump into my little bed with nothing on at all

That's the time when you should see me
That's the time when you should see me
That's the time when you should see me
When I jump into my little bed with nothing on at all

Nosy, nosy what's it to ya?
Nosy, nosy what's it to ya?
Nosy, nosy what's it to ya?
When I jump into my little bed with nothing on at all.
I wake up in the morning with my pillow on my head
My little tooshie-wooshie is a-hanging out of bed
And three times out of four, I wind up on the floor
So I don't drink Coca-Cola before bed anymore!
That's the time when you should see me...
I wear my pink bikini in the summer when its hot
I wear my speedo swimsuit in the winter when its not
And sometimes in the spring time and sometimes in the fall
I jump into my swimming pool with nothing on at all.

That's the time when you should see me...

Little Ducks
Six little ducks that I once knew
Fat ones, skinny ones, then there were two
But the one little duck with the feather on his back
He led the others with a quack, quack, quack
Chorus:
Quack, quack, quack
Quack, quack, quack
He led the others with a quack, quack, quack
Down to the river they would go
Widdle waddle, widdle waddle, to and fro
But the one little duck with the feather on his back
He led the others with a quack, quack, quack
Into the water they would dive
Over and under the other five
But the one little duck with the feather on his back
He led the others with a quack, quack, quack

(Slowly) Home from the river they would go
Wibble Wabble, Wibble Wabble, Ho Hum Ho
(Back to fast speed) But the one little duck with the feather on his back
He led the others with a quack, quack, quack

The Billboard Song
(could be sung to the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic", among others)

As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
The sign was torn and tattered from the rain the night before.
The wind and rain had done its work and this is what I saw:

Smoke Coca-cola cigarettes, chew Wrigley's Spearment beer.
Kennel Ration dog food makes your wife's complexion clear.
Simonize your baby with a Hershey's candy bar.
And, Texaco's the beauty cream that's used by all the stars.

So, take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidare.
Play a Hammond organ in your Damart underwear.
Doctors say that babies should smoke 'til they are three.
And people over 65 should bathe in Lipton Tea.

The Buzzard Song
If I had the wings of a buzzard, a buzzard
Into the woods I would fly, would fly
There to remain as a buzzard, a buzzard
Until the day that I die, I die?
Oooh la la ooh la la ooh la la
Repeat
Oooh la la ooh la la ooh la la
Again
Oooh la la ooh la la ooh la la
Once More
Oooh la la ooh la la ooh la la la
The End

The Song That Never Ends
(source: "LambChop's Playalong")

This is the song that never ends,
It just goes on and on my friends,
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was
And they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends....
(repeat, and repeat, and repeat...)

There Was An Old Lady
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly.
I don't know why she swallowed a fly.
I guess she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider.
That wiggled and jiggled and tickled insider her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
I don't know why she swallowed a fly.
I guess she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a bird.
How absurd! To swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wiggled and jiggled and tickled insider her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
I don't know why she swallowed a fly.
I guess she'll die.

Continue adding on verses:
Cat . . . Imagine that! She swallowed a cat.
Dog . . . What a hog! She swallowed a dog.
Goat . . . She opened her throat and in walked a goat.
Cow . . . I don't know how she swallowed that cow.
There was an old lady, she swallowed a horse. She DIED of course!

There's a Daisy On My Toe
There's a daisy on my toe,
It's not alive it does not grow,
It's just a tattoo of a flower
So I look pretty in the shower,
It's on the second toe of my left foot,
It's got no stem, it's got no root,
(spoken) 'Casue that wouldn't look good.
There's a daisy on my toe,
My right foot loves my left foot so.

Watermelon Song
You can plant a watermelon over my grave
And let the juice (SLUURP) slip through!
You can plant a watermelon over my grave
And that's all you have to do (be do be do be do)
Chocolate chip cookies taste so fine
But there's nothing like the taste of a watermelon RIIIIIIND!
Oh, you can plant a watermelon over my grave
And let the juice (SLUUURP) slip through!

You Can't Get to Heaven
Oh, you can't get to heaven (Oh, you can't to heaven)
On roller skates. (On roller skates.)
You'll roll right by (You'll roll right by)
Those pearly gates. (Those pearly gates.)

Oh, you can't get to heaven on roller skates.
You'll roll right by those pearly gates.
I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.
I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.
I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.
I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more.

Other verses include:
Oh, you can't get to heaven in a rocking chair
'Cause the rocking chair won't take you there.

Oh, you can't get to heaven in a trolley car
'Cause the gosh darn thing won't go that far.

Oh, you can't get to heaven on a rocket ship
'Cause the rocket ship won't take that trip.

Oh, you can't get to heaven with powder and paint
'Cause the Lord don't want you as you ain't.

Oh, you can't get to heaven in a limousine
'Cause the Lord don't sell no gasoline.

Oh, you can't get to heaven on a pair of skis
'Cause you'll schuss right through St. Peter's knees.

If you get to heaven before I do,
Just bore a hole and pull me through.

If I get to heaven before you do,
I'll plug that hole with shavings and glue.

"That's all there is. There ain't no more,"
St. Peter said, and closed the door.

The Reindeer Song
My reindeer flies sideways,
Your reindeer flies upside down.
My reindeer flies sideways,
Your reindeer is DEAD!

My chicken eats oatmeal,
Your chicken eats CREAM-OF-WHEAT (YUCK!)
My chicken eats oatmeal,
You chicken is DEAD!

My bathtub holds nine people,
Your bathtub holds only eight!,
My bathtub holds nine people,
Your bathtub, it leaks!

I'm goin' crazy just singin' this song,
I'm goin crazy,
Won't you come along?

Mary had a little lamb,
Tied it to the heater,
And it burned its little seater!

I'm goin' crazy just singin' this song,
I'm goin' crazy,
Won't you come along?

May had a little lamb,
Locked it in the closet,
And it left a little deposit!

I'm goin' crazy just singin' this song,
I'm goin' crazy,
Won't you come along?

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead,
The next time she brought it to school it was between two pieces of bread!

I'm goin' crazy just singin' this song,
I'm goin' crazy,
Won't you come along?